Happy 1st Birthday Juna

Hello, my little one year old.

Look! Mommy bought you a silly happy birthday hat. May I put in on your head?

Ok, another time, then...

October 17th. Happy June Bug Day.

Oh Junie Bug. What a bittersweet day for your Mommy. While I'm sad that you are becoming a toddler and no longer a baby, I'm also grateful I get to spend this day with you at all!

Today as I watch you toddle about the house, play with your favorite toys, and shout, "GONE GONE GONE," (the only word you use right now) I can't help but think about her. The woman we will both wonder about for the rest of our lives. Your birth mother. As I celebrate your birthday today, I have to wonder, is this day special to her, too? As she goes about her day today, is she taking time to wonder about you? Is she staring into space, trying to picture your face? Does today have meaning to her like it does to me? Or does thinking about you bring too much pain?

I don't know anything about your birth family. I don't know if your birth mom was my age or a teenager. I don't know if she cried when you were born because she knew she could not keep you or if she cried with relief, knowing you'd soon be gone. I'll never know the truth. And I promise you will always know that. I will never lead you to believe anything but what we already know. I'm sorry it's not much. You deserve to know more.

I have to think that your birth mother wanted a better life for you. Your family placed you in place where guaranteed you would be found. I have to hope they knew what would happen next. That you would be found and taken to the orphanage. I have to hold onto the hope they knew you would receive good care until a family adopted you. I have to hope they did this, knowing you would actually be adopted. That you could have a chance at a better life.

You are from a small community in China. I wonder if word got out as to what happened to you. Perhaps your birth mother knows you went to America. Perhaps today she knows you are with a family who cares for you and loves you so very much. Or maybe she has mother's intuition and just knows deep down that you're just fine.

We'll never know. And she may never know. I'm so sorry about that, my baby.

Whatever is the case, I am thinking of her today. I am thinking of the family that gave you life. I will always be so grateful to them for creating such an amazing little human being.

You've only been with us a few months, and I can't even believe that fact. It feels like you've been a part of me since before you were born. Because you have. From the moment I approached Matt with the idea to adopt from China, I loved you. I loved you when you were just paperwork needing to be notarized and pink bubblegum luggage that needed to be packed. Then when I saw those eyes staring up at me from the referral photo, that was it. You were no longer a dream. You were my daughter.

I wish I knew which person in China placed your photo with our paperwork. Who decided you were the daughter for us? How did they get it so right? How did they know you'd be the one to walk past me while playing, then double back because you want to give me a hug? That when I feed you, you stare deeply into my eyes and stroke my face with your little hand? That I can't stop staring at you, so impressed with your beauty, your curiosity, your determination, and your courage. How did they create a match made in heaven?

I love that today is your day. This is the first of many more to come. Happy 1st Birthday to my sweet little Juna. I am so honored that you are my daughter.