Thursday, September 6, 2007

My children are covered in vomit and I'm still smiling!!

I recently read a criticism in regards to Mommy Bloggers. From a woman. We were called whiny and complainy. When talking about the parental experience, we were said to be too negative. We were asked to be more upbeat about the experience. Lighten up, Mommy Bloggers! It's not THAT bad!

Hey, person who said that! Come here. Yeah over here. Closer. Closer. Just a leeetle bit closer.

BAM!

That's my happy little fist, meeting your clueless little face.

Wow, I feel loads lighter. Suddenly all my negativity just melted away.

Alright person who obviously has a nanny, only has one lump of a child who just sits on blanket all day and does nothing but coo lovingly in your direction, or GASP doesn't have kids at all! Here you go. Just what you asked for. This is me, "lightening up." Enjoy!

This morning my three year old woke up with a 101 degree fever. I was so proud of her! It was higher than 100 and much better than that under achieving 98.6!!

The baby is now on week three of the virus from hell. OOPS! I mean, that little cold that sent us to the emergency room. OOPS! I mean, that big building with all those nice doctors and nurses where somewhat ill kids go sometimes. No biggie!!

The other baby had her shots yesterday and also has a fever. OH oops, I did it again! I mean she's a bit warm. Tee hee. Fever schmeever! Kids never have reaction to shots. Tra la la!

I'm giving both babies their bottles at the same time when the three year old comes into the room, says, "Mommy.. blerghghghgh..." and promptly throws up all over the babies. Gee, what great aim, little one. You're a champ!

Then she turns to me and throws up all over me. Another perfect hit! Score!!

Then she climbs onto the couch and vomits up one end and down the other. That kid's got talent!

I grab the nearest thing I can find which isn't human or already covered in vomit- my beloved chenille couch throw. "Here! Throw up into this!!" I thrust it at her- er, I mean lovingly place it under her mouth while she coughs up- I mean mildly ejects- three years worth of food. I mean just a tiny bit of water.

There was that one perfect moment after the first upchuck where time stood still for all four of us. Where everyone's eyes became wide as moons and two silent seconds passed before the screaming began. Oh the screaming. Little faces dripping in vomit just wailing their little hearts out.

Was that too negative? Oh it was. I mean, the babies were yelling for joy! OH GOODIE! Cereal and orange juice from the loving confines of our sister's digestive tract, our favorite!!

What's a mom, a positive and happy mom, filled with positive light and flowers and happy bunnies that frolic in the countryside to do?

Oh, she just laughs, throws everyone in the tub, washes everyone with organic soap and sings lullabyes from her home country.

Oh good gawd. There's not enough Xanax in the world... Let's get real, shall we?

What I actually did was look at the heavens and wonder why no one warned me that motherhood was sometimes going to be a big pain in the ass. When one is covered in bits of muffin soaked in sour milk, one cannot be positive. One cannot have light in their eyes and a song in their hearts when the bottles they just made for their hungry babies are also covered in vomit. When the babies are licking vomit splattered mess from their fingers.

REAL WOMEN immediately start thinking of the sleepless nights ahead from babies who will soon be infected by the puke virus. REAL WOMEN wonder how to get sour milk smell out of the couch and carpet. REAL WOMEN have to decide which child to clean up first.

Real women strip down to their undies. Strip the babies down to their diapers. Strip the three year old down completely. Grab a big puke bucket for the next round and shove it at the three year old. Grab a towel and start cleaning up the kids. Get a DVD on the TV to distract the hysterical three year old. Get Lysol and start cleaning up the goo. Real women have to block out the screams of her children while singing Nine Inch Nails songs in her head. And think of better times. Much much better times.

So there you go, Susie Sunshine. Those of us who live in the real world can eventually laugh at the trials and tribulations of motherhood. We know it's often not pretty. We will never again be the serene (stoned?) woman drawn on the cover of What to Expect When You're Expecting. Some of us were never her to begin with. Each mother processes this experience differently. And guess what? Sometimes it's pure hell. And that's ok. We're allowed to think that way because we're.. GASP.. human. It is my belief that the best mothers are the ones who realize that the experience is both awful and wonderful at the same time.

Now THAT'S a TV show my friends.

Since everyone was so cool about my idea, I feel very encouraged, thank you. I hope to have the first video up in a few weeks, so stay tuned.

Until then, fluffy bunny thoughts everyone!!

18 comments:

christy said...

Yeah, okay. I think I'm going back on birth control. I forgot all about the vomit part.

I did crack up about how proud you are that she hit 101 on the thermometer. I think "underachieving 98.6" was what had me doubled over.

Karaoke Diva said...

Not enough Xanax in the world is right. You are a stronger woman than I. If my kid started puking on me, I'd start puking right back. I cannot deal with the smell, sound or look of vomit. Blergh indeed.

stljoie said...

OMG..so to the point and having been there and done that...this too will pass.

nena said...

thanks Mae.

must call husband and break the news.

#2 baby out of the question!

Anonymous said...

Hi! I love to read about the good. But the bad and the ugly is even better. I never ask mom's who only tell how good everything is how they are. It's so boring, and I know they don't tell the whole truth. I've noticed the husbands always give a completely different version of how "smooth" everything goes.

Anonymous said...

I never comment on these blogs (too shy), however, I just wanted to send you a giant THANK YOU!!! I’ve been following your story since you were in China. We returned with our daughter in February of this year and I enjoyed reading your perspective on the process. I look forward to reading your posts because you are definitely someone who “gets it”. You have me in constant hysterics! Thanks Again!! You should consider writing a book! ……Seriously!

Kevin said...

101 is respectable, but its not a real "inner glow" until they get a fever seizure, I mean "isometric exercising" :)

I hate it when Gavin vomits because then KD smells it and vomits and I have to clean both of them up. It's weird how puke doesn't bother me much but I can barely take out the kitchen garbage without doing dry heaves the whole way out the door.

Hopefully your bodies will be able to fight this off soon and get back to having fun!

Pat said...

Thank you, my youngest is now (gasp) 23 so I've almost forgotten all those good times! A reminder like this brings back (not vomit) memories of similar events with my children. SIGH, where did the time go?

Mutha said...

Loving these comments... thank you!

As far as writing a book, wow, that is a HUGE compliment. I don't think I'm much of a writer. I botch the English language so badly. But I do think I'm a pretty decent storyteller. I'm glad I am entertaining people. That's what I love doing the most. If I can make you laugh, then I feel like I've done my job!!

J said...

You really should write a book. I don't think you botch the English language at all. And anyway, that's what copy editors are for! It's the storytelling that matters, and you rock when it comes to that.

Julie said...

haha I laug4ed out loud at the reality of thisw..."REAL WOMEN have to decide which child to clean up first." poor kiddos.

Hopeful Heart said...

While there was plenty to umm, digest in this story...why is it that the question I feel the overwhelming need to know the answer to is:
What Nine Inch Nails song goes with cleaning up vomit??

HK Muse said...

Things that crossed my mind while reading this post:

Ok, quick!, say something that makes me want to have kids again.

Ooooh, fluffy bunnies!

I hope you all survive this and that the kids get better quickly.

Mutha said...

That's the beauty of angry and frustrated NIN songs! Any one will do! HAH! Actually I just had some of the crunching guitars and pounding drums in my head.

Nat said...

THANK YOU!!!

Thank you for the hysterical laugh, thank you for the honesty, thank you for the realness of it all! I'm still in the blissful innocence before we go to China next month, and I know that somewhere down the road, I will come back to read this post over and over again... ;o)

Katie said...

I feel a tad nausious. I don't know how to spell nausious and am too lazy to look it up. Holy shit buckets batman. The part about the babies licking their fingers - OOOOOHHHH. So funny though. Funny that it happened in your house. Had it happened in mine I'd have cried. Too bad you don't have a dog to help clean it up. Head like a hole would have been a good NIN song. Although - that be the only NIN song I know.

Lisa said...

found your blog through your comments on iso(in)sanity's blog. Have read all your China entries and now all your post China entrie. You are a hysterical and truthful writer. Thank you for speaking out for us (gasp) normal moms out there!

Katrina said...

ya know, i get bitched at for whining too much. i don't give a crap.
i've definitely had the "oh my god time to get naked" moments..when my son lovingly craps alll over me and himself up to his hair. it's just precious.
i can't believe you kept your cool. i would have been vomiting also.