Monday, July 30, 2007

My pain, my story

I'm really loving this blog.

A recent post about her grieving over her infertility and adoption struggles brought back all kinds of memories and all kinds of emotions.

It has taken seven years to get to where we are now with these three amazing little girls.

So many of you are new to my story, so I thought I'd take you down memory lane.

It took four years to conceive Narnia. You know how it goes- the first year is just trying, trying, trying. Then there's the clomid song and dance. Then surgery. Then clomid again. Then switcher-oo of doctors. Then yet another protocol that doesn't work. Then a brief period of not being insured. Then moving across country. Then finding the RIGHT doctor and all those tests again. Ooh but this time there's an MRI because there might be a brain tumor! Not only are you infertile, but you might be dying as well! Then BINGO, we've got the answer. You're not dying, your body is just extremely screwy! Now go on drugs to help the newly discovered PCOS (yeah, have fun with THAT one) and here's a drug for Parkinson's disease. Don't freak out, you don't have Parkinson's, but getting used to the drug is a bit tricky. It's normal to stand up, fall forward, and almost pass out. It will help you ovulate and you'll do anything to ovulate, won't you?

Ok... but DAMN, it worked.

Nine months of an easy going pregnancy. A perfect birth. But of course. Look, I paid my karmic debt. I deserve this much.

Oh, you must have really screwed up in a past life, because here's what's coming to you in the six months after giving birth:

A breast Cancer scare
surgery to remove my failing gall bladder
cracked a tooth, which lead to my first root canal
A repeat of the above only a short time later
A series of invasive tests to determine the cause of intense abdominal pain not related to the gall bladder
AND- (is this any surprise?)
postpartum depression

Here you go, here's the baby you've always wanted. Now let's spend the first six months of her life IN HELL.

And yet, things could be worse. So stop moping and move on!

The second pregnancy? Fertility treatment worked again! Only guess what? You get to experience.... drumroll please... a miscarriage! Because you don't have enough life experience yet, you crazy 30-something, you! Time for another trip to the hospital. This time, to remove the no longer living, but much wanted baby from your body.

Adoption. It's the right choice. And look, here's proof. A flawless process when it came to paperwork and home study. Got it all done in record time. THIS is going to go soooo smoothly. In six months, we'll have a referral. Oops! Not so fast! You get to be one of the very first logged in families to experience the now famous China adoption delay. And while you're agonizing over the wait, let's taunt you with rumors that the program might shut down entirely!!

Now go on a cruise and blow off some steam! Wasn't that fun? How come you're on land and still feeling green? Here, take a pregnancy test. Negative. Of course, what were you thinking?
Here's your period. Oh, that's funny. It's so light this time. Must be a post-vacation thing. Why are you throwing up in the sink? Here, take another test. HAHAH fooled ya! It's positive!

Oh, don't be so quick to celebrate. This is YOU we're talking about! You can't just be pregnant! No, let's try a high risk pregnancy this time. Because you haven't spent enough time getting tests performed, or in hospitals! You haven't lost a baby! Ooops, sorry. Our bad! This time, we'll taunt you with almost losing the baby several different times. Then bedrest. Oh, you have a 2 year old to take care of? Oh well!

Then, you'll come within hours of losing her and YOU when she's born 7 weeks early by an frightening emergency C section- vertical incision, please! You get to come home without your baby. You'll get to cry constantly because you're going through postpartum hormonal adjustments (how nice to say it that way) with no baby to hold and love. And... after all you've been through, let's give that baby some heart stops. Some interruptions in breathing. Oh, that's just normal preemie behavior. Not normal to you, but deal with it. You were the one who got knocked up on a cruise while adopting. This is what you deserve!

The adoption? Oh yes! Let's make you question it daily. Let's make the entire family turn against the idea. You have a preemie. What are you THINKING wanting to bring another child home at a time like this?

And here we are.

All those years and all those ups and downs later, here we are.

As you can tell from what I wrote above, and the way I wrote it, I'm still bitter. The pain of infertility eases up, but it never truly goes away.

Here's the positive side to everything I experienced (aside from the obvious, the children.)

I'm the strongest woman IN THE WORLD. Heh. No, seriously, I'm a tough mamma jamma.

Even tho I had it "bad," there are others who had it far worse. I came home from the hospital and China with my babies.

I can say that yes, you can love an adopted child as much as you love a biological child. You can fall in love with a picture of a baby you didn't give birth to and have never met. You can take that child into your arms and have that same fierce mama tiger protection feeling you have when your biological child is first placed in your arms. You can start to sing them a lullabye and begin to cry, because you love them so much. It's THAT good.

I don't take the precious time I have with my children for granted.

Life experience? Oh yeah, I've got some.

The noise inside my head? It's quiet now. My house is loud and crazy, but my head is quiet.

It's amazing how much space you have in your brain when you finally get to move out all that struggle for a family STRESSSSS.

For the first time in a very long time, I feel free.

And that, my friends who are still waiting, still struggling for a family, is what I wish for you. I hope your struggles make you strong and that the road to family ends in peace.

1 comment:

Sean & Shannon said...

Thank you for all of your honesty! BTDT have the T shirt, and you said it much better than I ever could!