Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My stylist needs a raise

It's a million degrees where I live in the summer. The saying goes, "You gotta develop gills to live here." Seriously humid. Like- need three showers a day humid.

And that, my friends, is why it's so cheap to live here and so expensive to live in San Francisco.

I've been told it's even hotter in China. So I thought I'd buy some new clothing in the white family of colors. White, light, airy. Looks so refreshing and cool on the skinny models that pose in the plus size catalogs. OK what is up with THAT? The models in the plus catalogs cannot even fit into the plus clothing. You know they've got clothespins all over their backs and thighs to keep the clothing on them! It's like they think we women over a size 14 have fat brains, too. "Wow, if I wear that tiny little tank top, I too will look as sexy as Tyra Banks!"

I've recently learned that you need to wear a beige bra under white clothing. I know, I know, I was raised in the kuntry. Me and Britney Spears. We don't know any better. But she can pay people to teach her some sense. Me? I learn from the makeover shows on TV. The ones where they makeover a stay at home mom and put her in Va Va Va Voom dry clean only clothing.

Yeah, like that's a good idea. THe other day I walked around the entire city with a "Good Job" Disney Princes sticker on my rear end. Moms sit on the floor. A lot. And kids leave stuff all over the floor. It wasn't until a kind lady cleared her throat while approaching me and timidly said, "Um... you seem to have a sticker on your... (whispered) rear end." I reached around and pulled it off and said, "Good job? I appear to have a special bootie." So yeah- I'm not going to lay all over the Cheerio covered floor in while wearing hot pants and high heels. That was college.

So I buy a beige bra to wear under my light and airy white clothing for China. And it's a bra with underwires.

Underwire bras. Wow. Should be actually be renamed, "Torture Device."

The bra claimed it was comfortable. It claimed it would support and cover and be light and springy happy. That bra had so many wires in it going every which way, I could pick up cable channels. The Disney Channel is currently playing on my left breast as I type this.

Now I have to trot my Good Job Boo-tay back to the store and buy a beige bra that doesn't pick up ESPN. One more thing on my TO DO list. Like I need one more thing.

And for those traveling with us in our group- if you see a Tyra Banks lookalike appearing cool and comfortable in her white tank top with appropriate underwire support- that's not me.

But if you see a woman digging at her chest and wincing...

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