Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Ultimate Baby Shower Gift

I have come up with the ultimate baby shower gift for the first time mom.

Take a big box. Fill it with sheets, numerous sheets. And towels,tons of towels. Get as many large plastic bowls as there are members of the family. Add some Lysol, add some fabric and carpet strain remover, and viola!

A puke patrol kit.
A deluxe upchuck box.
A throw up thwarter.

Otherwise known as the best damn shower gift she'll ever receive.

And you know what? She won't appreciate it. Oh no. The dear expectant mom will take one look at that box and go, "Um... I'm sorry? I just don't... understand???" And her non-mommy friends will turn and shoot snooty little daggers at you while thinking, "That's SO not an appropriate shower gift. There's not one fluffy bunny in the box!"

And you, the experienced mother will lovingly pat the expectant mom's shoulder and quietly exit, knowing one day she too will understand that even tho motherhood is amazing and wonderful and all that blah blah blah that should go without saying, it's more about the puke patrol, less about the fluffy bunnies.

There is no doubt that one day in the future, you will get a phone call from her, and in an exhausted and stunned voice she will say, "Last night was so awful. The green beans. The noodles. They didn't stop. They just kept COMING! And the milk? No one warned me about the milk."

And you will slap your forehead and say, "Face mask or nose plugs! Damn! Forgot those!"

Then your friend, now an official member of The Parenting Club, will say in an appreciative voice, "I didn't understand your shower gift. Now I do. Thank you, oh wise experienced one. Thank you."

Oh yes, my friends. You aren't really a part of the Parenting Club until you have upchucked Yogos spilling down your nightgown at 2am in all their artificially colored glory. You're not a Real Mom until you're sitting on the toilet with a big plastic bowl on your lap, praying for mercy while your sig other is in the other room, yelling, "They're all doing it at once! It's like the Exorcist in here!"

But there's no time for your own toilet issues, Buttercup. Buck up, as you trudge down to the basement or into the closet to fetch your own Puke Patrol Kit, wisely packed after the "I'm still finding bits of regurgitated animal cookies in my hair incident of 03." Don't be surprised if you pause to hug the box with relief as you gently clean up freaked out babies and children, change sheets, soothe children some more, cover children's cribs or beds with sheets and towels from your kit, then hand them a puke bowl of their own. It's probably best to get the stains out of the carpet or furniture right away. And don't forget that Lysol spray kills germs and odors.

Then, with your own puke bucket in hand, it's time to do laundry before the next wave hits. The first of numerous loads of laundry in the hours to come. Since these things always happen at 2am, it's ok to lean against the washer for support. Just remember to close the washer door so you don't throw up into the wash machine as it's filling with water. Because you need one more issue right now.

Your life for the next 3 to 4 days? Lather, rinse, repeat. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And pray you and your sig other (if applicable) are at least one or two days behind each other in the misery, so at least one parent is of sound mind and body. And if both of you go down in flames with the children? May your higher power be with you, my friend.

THAT is motherhood. THAT is fatherhood. THAT is parenthood. And during times like THAT, the ultimate shower gift of all the things you need in one box when everyone's puking their guts out sure beats a fluffy stuffed bunny.

But if it makes you feel any better, go ahead and get her puke bowls with dancing duckies on the side. Sure to be appreciated when her head's stuck in one for three days straight.


Desert Mama said...

so sorry it's so bad....spring is coming, really.....feel better soon!

Jamie said...

Hope the family is feeling better soon! Being sick just plain sucks.

Eve said...

Luckily we didn't have the pukey thing. THough we ALL had the i-swear-if-this-isnt-pneumonia-and-i-don't-die-from-it-I-will-be-shocked resperatory shit for THREE WEEKS.

Hang in there. The Lou is filled with FUNK right now. B-day party at the Magic House on Saturday am. I will be wearing a contamination suit, for sure. Or at least a thick ass layer of antibacerial gel!! HA HA

gnomic said...

We had our first experience with vomiting a few weeks ago. I'm going out and buying the kit you mentioned for ourselves!

Luckily, I have worked in a medical environment and it didn't phase me much when the kids eyes got big and he emptied half his body weight down my chest. Actually, my first emotion was "I'm impressed!"

We have plenty of generic pedilyte on hand (something that should be in your kit!), but not enough carpet cleaner (ditto). The kid got over it in a couple of days.

Now that respitory crud ("captain tripps") is a whole 'nuther matter. I'm thinking about snorting clorox to get rid of it. UGH! Day care germs are VICIOUS little ph*kers!

Mutha Mae said...

It just isn't letting up. I'm only used to the 24 hours of hell, then you recover. This three to four days of continuous hell? THIS SUCKS!

sleeplesswonder said...

Sorry to hear your sick. If it makes you feel better me and Toby are as well, no puking for him thank god, can't say as much for myself though. And BF just had to open a can of salmon just now, and the smell is making me want to puke again, oh the lovely bf.
I am impressed you are sick and still have such a sense of humor. LOL
Feel better soon.

bb said...

Mae, I hope you all are feeling better. This sounds kind of scary.

Anonymous said...

This happened to us, the three of us at once and there is only one bathroom in my house. I was so weak I had to throw a towel over the vomit in the crib while I walked doubled over past the noises of joe puking in the bathroom.
We would all go back to bed, the baby would scream and Joe and I would get into an "No, I'm sicker" arguement, which I usually lost.. back to try to pick up the baby, put her in the bathtub so I could puke... etc etc.
I dont know how you do it with a house of five. At least K was at his dad's that week.
Did I tell you the baby started puking on our last Disney cruise? It was the last night at 3am and the stupid sick bay didnt open till 8. We flew home a day early, we ment to spend the day at the World.

Ashley said...

sounds like you've had a dreadful couple of days. Hope you are feeling better. I'm impressed that you've kept your sense of humor! Last year when my son had the stomach flu, he walked into the kitchen, opened up the fridge to get some juice, and promptly threw up, IN the fridge! That was so not fun!

Hope your washing machine is getting a break today.

:) feel better!

Mutha Mae said...

Boo is on day 6 of her virus. We thought she was better, but nooo.

I am on day 4. Can now be upright for longer periods without wanting to pass out. The weakness with this virus is unreal.

Matt is on day 2 and the worst is coming for him.

Babies are on day 3. They are the least sick of all of us, thank goodness.

My mom offered to get groceries and come help clean up the house. Very nice of her, and very appreciated.

The one thing that baffles me is that I haven't lost a single pound. There is no way. I mean, four days of a stomach virus and not one pound lost??? I am convinced that my body thinks it's only 110 pounds and is in fear of me getting too thin. I need to have a talk with my body. Maybe show it some video of myself in a swim suit or something. HELLOOO? If I am going to have a stomach virus, at least let me shed a few pounds!

Ashley said...

Mae, it is so funny to me that you would get on the scale, mid-virus, to check the weight loss! I'm laughing, because I would do the same thing!