Sunday, February 10, 2008

Enough about me, how's my hair?

I was asked to write seven things about myself that the readers of my blog probably don't know.

Oh, there's a lot you people don't know.

And I intend to keep it that way.


I never pass up the chance to talk about my favorite subject, so here's seven things about moi.

1. When I was a kid, the first time I ever had to give a speech to the class, I was really nervous. My mother's advice wasn't the typical picture your audience naked. No. Instead she said, "Picture your audience as tiny little cabbages." It worked. So anytime I am speaking in front of an audience, I am speaking to rows and rows of baby cabbages. And when you're telling me a story and it runs long, I picture you as a tiny little cabbage. Mon petite chou.

2. Speaking of stories that go on too long... When I lived in Los Angeles, I met a porn star at a party. In fact, I think that's a standard rule for parties in Los Angeles. One porn star for every 10 guests. We actually lived next door to a porn star. Or was that the prostitute and the male porn star lived downstairs? Next to the old lady who would pick up her nightgown and flash people who walked past her sliding glass door? I don't know why Hollywood can't come up with good story lines because that's a hit show right there. The quote I used in the title of this post came from this one particular porn star I met at a party. She was going on and on about something and noticed her story was running long. She stopped herself mid sentence, tilted her head to the side, and said, "Enough about me! How's my hair?" I don't know if that's her original line or what, but I thought it was brilliant. Then again, I was drunk.

3. I am related to an Academy Award nominated actress. She and my mother look alike. I have the same nose. We all have that upturned nose. Mine has a large freckle that everyone assumes is dirt. Like I've been taking nose dives into the dusty plains of America? I haven't met this lady, who is my second cousin, but my mother spent Thanksgiving with her and surprise, in walked Shirley Maclaine. My mother and Ms. Maclaine did not get along. I asked if she pictured her as a tiny little cabbage. My mother said, "Tiny little something alright..." Perhaps it was an off day for both my mother and Ms. Maclaine. Do two divas and a roasted turkey equal disaster? My stage name is this famous person's last name. Not because of her, because it's also my mother's last name. And it flows real nicely with Mae. Not that I actually NEED a stage name, but I have one handy just in case.

4. I am 100 percent convinced I will one day win the lottery. I don't actually play the lottery. There's an obvious flaw in my logic.

5. I won't see a movie in a theater because whenever I do, the strangers seated near me will either fart repeatedly or have a bad case of the garlic burps. It's happened so often I wonder if it's a sign I should stay away from movie theaters. I made the exception for Chronicles of Narnia, because, well, duh, and some how found a way to get an entire row of seats to ourselves. Unfortunately I got a bad case of the coughs and hacked my way through the entire film. Thus, being that annoying girl who hacked her way through Chronicles of Narnia. That's why we subscribe to Netflix.

6. I just realized none of these stories are original to the blog world, as I have been blogging since 99 as different versions of myself. Don't question the creative. Just nod and smile and pretend to understand. There are no stories you haven't heard that I want you to hear left to tell. This means I must venture out into the world and have some exciting new adventures. Thanks to my internet show, that just might happen. I've already had experiences because of that show that I haven't been able to talk about yet. I have a feeling there's many more to come. And that's all I have to say about that. For now. But you know me. Once I can, I will take you with me down the rabbit hole with me like never before, Alice.

7. Coming soon.


Louanne said...

Thanks Mae. Those were all new to me since I didn't "meet" you online until this summer. You crack me up!

Anonymous said...

I want to know who the famous actress is! But won't pry. I have a friend who's a personal concierge who just worked for [ahemmumbleVeryFamouscouple] that she couldn't tell us about... until TOMORROW, when her contract's up. Then I will throw away my copy of In Touch and listen raptly.

As per usual, I love your writing.