Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Good Morning!

WHY do I always get woken up early from the sexy dreams? If I'm being chased by a psycho killer, the dream goes on and on and on. If I'm dreaming I'm doing things... I can't tell you what I was doing. But they were good. And HELLO! Five minutes into the most amazing dream I've had in ages and there's commotion in the house and I'm up. Damn I'm up.

Getting out of bed post abdominal surgery? I have much sympathy for beached whales. I flip, I flop, I grunt, I get nowhere. When I do manage to hobble to the bathroom, I don't like to find it already occupied. Then I have to hobble to the back of the house and down a step. I don't like finding THAT one occupied, too. Especially when I pass my husband in the hall. There's only one other person able to use a bathroom in this house. Why are both occupied?

There was a water main break in my mother's 'hood this morning. She arrived early for the day and brought her Paramour with her. Her Paramour, whom is quite fond of the extreme right wingie dingie news programs and watches them non-stop when here. I'm a middle of the road kind of person. Extremes of any kind exhaust me. I also dislike waking up to politics. I dislike waking up. I'm not a morning person.

I wandered into the TV room to find him watching a scene where beautiful and obviously augmented blonde was walking a bloated Eurotrash dude around a multi million dollar estate. Blondie was barely wearing what looked to be a miniature black cocktail dress. La La's pushed together, hiked up, and threatening to break free from the barely there fabric. Cue the wakka wakka wow p*rno music? What the hell is my mother's boyfriend watching?

Cut to bloated Eurotrash Dude saying, "Yes. I come to America to buy property. America dollar eez so weak. I get much for my money. I buy in South Beach only because women are so beautiful."

Snort. The only reason that dude gets any is because he's rich. Take away his money and that blonde wouldn't even casually glance in his direction. So who was that blonde anyway? His girlfriend? Mistress?

His real estate agent.

I've been living in the Midwest too long. Of course she sells multi million dollar real estate in South Beach. Bet she's super successful, too. Who would a rich dude rather do business with? A bikini model or some skinny sweaty dude with a shoulder twitch?

Imagine you and your family go to look at a four bedroom, two bath home in a nice middle class neighborhood. You show up and your Realtor is wearing leopard print hot pants with a bikini top. "This area has a great school district!" Leans over, spills out of her bikini. "And the back yard deck would be great for entertaining your church group!"

That wouldn't go over so well here in the Midwest.

Then the story about American real estate and the weak dollar ended. Cut to the anchors in the studio. Male and female, not seated behind an anchor desk, but perched on high back chairs. Male anchor dressed head to toe in conservative suit. Female anchor in micro mini, low cut tight shirt, thigh high black boots, with long red hair skimming her ample chest.

No wonder men love these news channels!

Wow, a lot has changed in morning news since I had kids. While I've been watching Backyardigans, morning female anchors have gone from attractive to downright sexy. Yes I HAVE been in the Midwest too long. I want my morning anchors covered. I want them to look like serious news anchors. I don't want her to look like she's running out to attend her friend's bachelorette party.

My mother's beau then turns to me and says, "If you looked like her, you'd have no problems getting a job in television."

I'd raise the Terror Alert:Bitch to the next level, but I'm not sure it can get much higher.


stljoie said...

Ohh Geezus...he sounds like a real winner. Poor you.

playswithyarn said...

poor marge.

Karaoke Diva said...

Dude, every time I hear something new from out of that guy's mouth I am more and more disgusted by him. Jackass.

Poor Marge nothing. She needs to kick his bum to the curb.

Kate said...

And this guy is still in your house? Tell him that, unlike him, *YOU* were raised to be polite to other people.

Gah. On the other hand, just sock him one next time he says something like that.


Anonymous said...

When I was doing standup comedy I had this bit about a nasty coworker that said similar things. "He asked, What are YOU doing to help conserve the environment? - so I killed him and shoved his body in the recycling bin!"

Hope you're feeling better SOON.

Two Lines On a Stick said...

My first thought was "Oh no he di-int!" What an asscake.

HK Muse said...

GAH!! I think being rude to your guest is in order when they spew out crap like that!

Dianna said...

I think I felt something in my head go *pop*...

I'm sure the terror level can be upped just for him.

Jenn ;o) said...

WTH?? I can't believe he said that to you in your house while you are recovering from surgery! Un-freaking-believable!

I sure hope you start feeling better quickly. That douche needs to go home and stay there!

gnomic said...

You are a sweet, lovable person and a dutiful child to take in your mom like that. You aren't so obligated to her boyfriend.

The coversation should go something like this:

Mom, do you want us to tell him to leave or do you want to? He's not welcome under this roof. And you can do better.

Of course if you want to forgo this conversation, I can let you know lots of places to hide the body. Really. Its not the type of thing you want to have to figure out in a hurry, so I've done the research.

Hell, you may not even need to hide the body. All you need is a woman on jury.