I must admit I had a breakdown last night.
During the infertility days, I couldn't imagine a child getting on my last nerve. I swore that if I was lucky enough to have kids, I would never be aggravated by them.
Yeah, cuz I'm not human. I don't have emotions.
No matter how much you wanted your kids and how much you love your kids, they will get on your nerves. A lot. And it's ok. It's all part of the process.
So last night the kids were being awful. The three year old especially. I was livid. I kept thinking, "Why are you ruining our last few nights together before we leave????" She was in rare form.
It got so bad that I sat on the floor and cried. I just lost it. I was angry at them and angry at myself and freaked out and confused and worried and already missing them.
Motherhood is a whole mess of emotions. No one tells you that. No one warns you that motherhood can hurt.
My three year old wrapped her arms arms around me, while crying (oh the guilt I felt) and said, "Mommy, please don't cry. I love you."
More tears. Shaking sobs, actually. Oh those munchkins know how to get ya.
My mother refused to cry in front of me. She refused to show any emotion. She didn't want to appear weak. As a result, I grew up being overly emotional- that's what I truly believe. I want my children to see that mothers are humans. Emotions are normal. It's ok to experience and express them.
I hugged my girls tightly and we cried and then we laughed and went on with our night.
I am dreading goodbye in a few days. They cannot come with us. Maybe if they were older, sure. But now? No thanks. As much as I hate to leave them, they will be safer with friends and family where they will be cared for and loved. And I will be a saner mother on this adoption journey. Will I worry about them endlessly? Yes! Will I cry? Oh yeah. I already cry at night from missing them and I'm not even gone yet.
How about leaving the house and cats? Three cheers for my house sitter. A scary individual. Who loves cats! Why does that always go hand in hand? I'm sort of kidding. I'm not worried about the house/cats at all. I'd be worried about an un authorized person who tried to get into the house. My house sitter is scary. A good person to have on MY side. I know a lot of interesting people, don't I?
Speaking of which, remember yesterday I told you I found a Where's George dollar? I sent the guy who stamped the bill an email. He wrote back, telling me he was retired and he and his wife are "Georgers" as a hobby. He then gave me some tips on shopping in Hong Kong. How cool is that? A random event brought someone into my life who gave me advice on a place I will be visiting in a few days. I have to admit I entered a few George's yesterday. Anyone who gets my George's will find a note online, telling them they have excellent George Karma coming their way.
I embrace my inner geek. Life's a ball when you're a big ol' nerd.
So what else is up?
Tonight my husband has to put together the crib. A friend from the mom's group gave us her crib. Months ago. And yet, it still sits there, waiting to be assembled. I'm ahead in some ways, way behind in others.
The other day, my friend came by with her Mei Tai for lend while we are away. It's an Asian style baby carrier. It ties apron style around your back. The baby rests in the front. She had a really cool one with multi colored skulls on the front. From afar, it just looks flowery and design-y. Up close, it's skulls. You'd never guess she'd be the type of mom who would have such a thing. Until you learn of her punk rock past. We all have a past. Some pasts are just more interesting than others! I chose her pink stripey Mei Tai. Don't want to upset anyone with my baby being carried in a skull baby carrier. Heh.
Today my fabulous friend Katie dropped by some books for the plane and adapters for electricity.
Today my friend in Hong Kong said she and her husband will pick us up at the airport Friday and escort us to our hotel, which is only five mins away. But still- isn't that nice? She says she will have a Hong Kong goodie bag for us. I will be sure to take pictures.
Today my mother is coming to watch the girlies while I get in some "studio" time. You mean the Mac in my bedroom? Hey- one day I will have a professional recording studio in the house. Not this house. The house we will buy when I one day land that big Mcdonalds commercial.
A geek can dream.