Saturday, September 22, 2007

Keep it real, stay fat!

Here's something I don't like.

I don't like when a "large" lady finally gets on TV, becomes famous, then she suddenly starts shrinking. Sitcom stars. Movie stars. Network TV talk show stars. The arenas where a size 12 is considered morbidly obese. Ever notice that the bigger they become, the smaller they get?

I'm all for healthy. Healthy is good. But come on. I just want one fat lady to get famous and stay fat.

And they don't just lose the weight. They gain the hair. All those hair extensions. And the teeth. The blindingly white veneered Chicklet teeth. The parts get hiked up, sucked out, or Botoxed into submission. Oh, but the true mark that she's gone Hollywood will be the color of her skin. She'll go Tanorexic on us. She'll go so Hollywood that she will no longer resemble the lady who became famous in the first place.

Can I blame them, these former fat actresses? If I had access to money and the people it can buy to do my bidding, could I resist the Hollywood look? Could I just say no to a size 2 body and that Oompa Loompa glow?

I would like to promise you that if I ever became famous, I wouldn't change. But I don't think that's possible. There's a few perks of being rich and famous I wouldn't be able to resist.

Along with my chef and personal trainers, I'd hire someone to slap the chocolate bar right out of my mouth. That would be their only job. I'd pick up a cookie. They'd race over and thwack it across the room.

Or how about my Food Ninjas.. oh yeah... They'd swoop down from the ceiling, Mission Impossible style and swipe the bag of Doritos out of my hand and replace it with a fruit cup.

Speaking of eating too much food... Why is Miss Boo making that face in the friendly neighborhood buffet restaurant? The one we visited this weekend where I forgot to bring bibs for the babies? Good one Mom.
The advertising slogan goes, "Life's messy, clean it up." I doubt they were expecting this kind of a mess. Check out the makeshift bib I made out of a paper napkin that disintegrated under the fun of all you can eat easy to chew goodies. Boo didn't have a taste of anything sweet until her first birthday cake. Check out Juna's mug, smeared with frozen yogurt. The second kid is so lucky. Er, the third.

And so is the third. Er, second. Av is shoveling in mac N cheese faster than we can bring it to the table.
It took all the wipes in my bag to clean up these two. Not to mention cleaning up the table and the floor. I couldn't do that to a server, even with the large tip we always leave when dining out with All My Children. Note how the two are not seated side by side. That was to prevent an all out war over cottage cheese and melon slices. If they were side by side, here's what would happen- Av would steal Juna's food. Juna would smack Av in the head. Av would cry, then take Juna's plate and throw it on the floor. Then Juna would scream. Best to put a safe distance between the two when it's feeding time.
The couple behind us moved to a completely different section of the restaurant. I don't think I can blame them. Usually people get a bit hyped up when they see us coming with our brood. Then they realize our children might be messy in restaurants, but they are quiet. Too busy shoving their faces with food to make noise. Food Ninjas wouldn't stand a chance!


HK Muse said...

Hehe. Food Ninjas.

Nat said...

The mess on their face, but oh, the joy in their eyes! Food is fun! ;o)

J said...

I get the same way with mac-n-cheese. Shoveling it in faster than they can fill my plate, whacking people in the head if they try to take it away. This is why I'd make a bad movie star. I could never lose all the weight required with all the mac-n-cheese.

Dianna said...

Your family are lovely! How cute are the babies with their food?! I've only just had a chance to catch up with your blog (moved house, no landline or ADSL apparently til December so no highspeed interent for us which is horrible) and loved catching up! Thanks for the congrats! We have the anatomy scan in a week and I'm hoping we get to find out if this little Vegemite is a boy or girl.

Can't wait to see your show (we should have cable internet soon - oh please let it be soon!)